Remember when your mama told you to go outside and get a switch? You knew what was coming, a temporary eternity of wrist gripping and wood whipping on your bare flesh. And she made sure every part of your body felt the wrath. Yeah it sucked, but what sucked worse was the walk from the living room outside to the bushes to get the switch. Your imagination ran wilder than your too fast female cousin. Flashbacks of your previous spanking which was most likely earlier that morning ran roughshod through your brain.
It’s similar to the feeling I get when basketball season is almost over. My sports diet is as follows. I have a nice appetizer of preseason football, hearty helpings of regular season and post season NCAA football and NFL, a strong cocktail of March Madness to wash it all down with and NBA basketball for desert. The NBA is almost over, so according to my analogy I should be full. We’ll you see, the way my metabolism is setup, the shit is faster than email and as soon as the Heat win in 6, I’ll be starving again.
NFL Training camps open up in 43 days. The first preseason game is in 56 days. The first college football game is 81 days away and the NFL regular season begins in 88 days. Thank God summer is my favorite season or I’d be miserable. The only thing summer is missing is football.
So what do I do in less than a week?
I’m sorry but baseball sucks. The ball is no longer juiced and neither are the players. It’s only a good TV product during the playoffs and Yasiel Puig, the game’s best player is not allowed to flourish because of the “baseball rules”.
Bruh, I’m not watching the Tour De France for 21 days. Same with Nascar and Indy dogg.
Tennis…Is Serena playing?
Track & Field. If they could figure out a way to form a league I’d be interested.
World Cup? What am I supposed to do when the US gets ousted relatively fast? Watch the other countries? I barely watch soccer as it is, I’m not watching another country win something that could be ours if we cared about it.
Save me the bullshit sports. I want my football. Once basketball is over, I’ll go on a sports sabbatical until football returns. I mean it’s cool, but it’s not cool.
Football teaches you life lessons….
…..like never bet against Eli Manning in a Super Bowl.
…Nick Saban is a human being.
….Adrian Peterson is not.
….The NCAA is modern day tyranny and there’s nothing we can do about it.
….Roger Goodell is the shit and if you think otherwise you just don’t get it.
…Deion Sanders raised every fatherless child born from 1982 – 1988.
…if a college program isn’t endorsed by Nike then they shouldn’t be taken serious.
….the current hate towards Michael Vick has nothing to do with dogs.
…..”you have fun with “fast” women, you don’t marry them. You marry the good girl. You have fun with the running quarterbacks….but you don’t invest your fanhood in them. They’ll never win a Super Bowl, but pocket passers will.
Football is like going into the Library of Congress and expecting to read every book in a lifetime. It’s impossible. You’ll never know everything, which means there will always be something to learn.
Ever had your heart broken by a female. Friday night, the two of you are making sweet love. Saturday, you two are brunching with friends and Sunday Night after Game of Thrones she tells you that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. It came out of nowhere right? Actually it didn’t. She broke up with you three months ago emotionally and mentally but you didn’t realize it, because you’re a dumb guy. You didn’t realize it until the words actually came out of her mouth.
It sucks right. Yeah, that’s how I feel when basketball season ends. Essentially, when football season ends that’s the equivalent of my girlfriend breaking up with me without actually doing it. I know it’s over deep down on the inside but I ignore it. I know football season is OVER. I simply mask it with basketball. I don’t pay attention to the empty Sunday and Monday nights. I ignore the warning signs of Valentine’s Day, the leaves changing and SXSW. It’s right in my face though…football is done. Amazingly, I think everything is okay with all NFL combine, free agency and draft talk. But I know shit is real when the NBA Finals have come to an end.
My ah ha moment is an epic oh shit moment. You wake up from a sports coma to realize that you haven’t been watching football the past five months…it was actually basketball and now that’s over!
Whether it’s the physical pain of a spanking from my mother or the emotional anguish of a girlfriend leaving me, pain is pain and it hurts. No football or basketball is pain. It’s okay, I’ll be fine. I’ll just drink a lot. I’ll party with friends. I’ll pretend that Sheeps Meadow is a beach and lay in the grass like it’s sand pretend the trees and surrounding buildings are gorgeous waves. I’ll countdown the days until football is back and August 3rd can’t come fast enough.