This isn’t real. I’m just bored and having fun so rock with me.
So. I was at the Super Bowl yesterday. It wasn’t my first. I’m kind of like the black Dion Rich. You know the guy that sneaks into like every single Super Bowl? Yeah, that’s me. Either way, I was chilling on the 49ers sideline most of game.
I thought Jim Harbaugh was going to lose it after the 4th down play when Michael Crabtree was clearly held. He just kept on yelling into his headset, “get Goodell on the damn phone now!” I looked up into the skybox with my binoculars and saw Roger Goodell doing the Ray Lewis dance in the final minutes of the game. I’m not sure what all that was about though.
The confetti started falling from the ceiling so I followed closely behind Jim Harbaugh as he walked to meet his brother at mid-field. When they approached each other I heard Jim say, “you finally beat at something you underachieving prick”. Then John was like “you know I’m a sore loser and worse winner. You were always a better athlete, but it’s now two times in a row that I’ve out coached your ass hahaha. Who’s got it better than me? Not you!” Jim was not a happy as blood rushed to his head like settlers raced to California during the gold rush.
I saw Randy Moss and he was yelling Alex Smith. All I heard was something about the loss being all Alex’s fault and Randy seeing Alex out at night with the voodoo people saying some kind of weird prayer. Once again, I had no clue what all that was about.
I kept on walking and I saw Ray Lewis, but something just wasn’t right. He wasn’t celebrating with the rest of his teammates, he was sitting in a chair. It seemed like he was practicing a speech, but he was definitely getting his hair done. Not cut, but done as in 52 gallons of black shoe polished being meticulously placed near his hairline and the crown of his head. Finally, I knew what the hell this was about.
I had to leave Ray Lewis because I was going to pass out from all of the shoe polish and I walked right into a dance off. It was epic. Jacoby Jones and Omarion were going back and forth. Move for Move. Rick Ross and Omar from the Wire were watching and talking noise to each other as well. I say Jacoby won it, but it was damn sure close.
I saw Joe Flacco. Joe Flacco saw me and so did the rest of his family. Flacco’s full name is Joseph Vincent Flacco. If that isn’t the most Italian name of all-time I don’t know what is. With that knowledge, I wasn’t the least bit surprised to see the mafia surrounding Joe offering him protection. They didn’t speak much and didn’t seem to like my jokes. The majority of them also worked in construction. Once again, I had no clue what that was all about.
I snuck on stage during the trophy presentation. Anquan Boldin and Courtney Upshaw were arguing about something. Courtney just kept on saying “I’m going to do it again folk, I’m going to do it again!” Anquan just gave him a death stare and said no! I was escorted off the stage by whom I thought was NFL security, but it was actually Flacco’s mafia family.
I got bored, so I wandered into the locker rooms. Of course no one was in the Ravens locker room so I went to see what was going on in the 49ers locker room. Jack Harbaugh was giving Jim a pep talk and trying to encourage his son. All of a sudden, Jim’s eyes looked like the devil just setup shop and wasn’t leaving anytime soon. When I saw who Jim was looking at, it was his son, Jay Harbaugh, who is also an intern for the Baltimore Ravens. Jay asked his dad how he was doing and Jim said, “I’m great, nobody’s got it better than me. I just lost the damn Super Bowl to my brother and my son helped him.”
Shit got really awkward after that, so I just left the stadium altogether to hit Bourbon street and sip on some hand grenades.