This is not a recap. I repeat, this not a recap. These are simply my thoughts from watching the Cincinnati Bengals in their 12th, I mean 3rd season being featured on HBO Hard Knocks.
I love Hard Knocks. You get to go behind the scenes and see what NFL training camp is really like. The show starts at 10pm EST, so I’m going to give you my chronological thoughts as I was watching.
No! I did not steal this idea from Grantland’s Rembert Browne aka @Rembert. Rem is my friend…I borrowed it from him.
10:02 – Well it’s nice to see former Oakland Raider head coach, Hue Jackson land on his feet. Oh, he coached for the Bengals last season? Who the hell keeps up with assistant coaches? Especially for the Bengals.
10:03 – Andy Dalton and his wife can’t fool me, that was a sex swing!
10:04 – Ah yes, our first Marvin Lewis sighting. This man is like a roach in the hood that just won’t die. I swear he’s like the Cecil Gaines of the NFL.
10:07 – I don’t care that Giovanni Bernard drives his girlfriend’s mom’s van. I care about that scrap book that they use to send each other love notes. I call Giovanni a simp. He calls me single and lonely. Fair trade.
10:08 – Pacman Jones is in training camp after he pimp slapped that chick this summer? This negro has 26 lives. Who other than Pacman would you expect to run out of gas?
10:12 – Jesus…these guys are making that conditioning test seem like Tough Mudder.
10:16 – James Harrison is scary, but not as scary as what just happened to A.J. Green’s knee. He’s not double jointed, his knee isn’t supposed to bend like that.
10:20 – So Tyler Eifert and Jermaine Gresham are on the same team? Cool. Don’t fuck this up Andy Dalton. But which one is Gronk and which one is Hernandez?
10:25 – Hue Jackson is a bad ass kid. Just a big bad ass kid. Somebody tape his ass to the goal post before training camp is over please!
10:28 – Now that we have James Harrison’s back facing us in a trademark HBO Hard Knocks slow motion walk down the hall. I yelled traitor at him for every Steelers fan in the tri-planet area.
10:30 – Why is Aaron Maybin on my TV?
10:37 – That wasn’t Dre Kilpatrick that got blasted in that Oklahoma drill was it? Naw…couldn’t be.
10:38 – How fitting was it to see, Jermaine Gresham, a former Oklahoma Sooner, go to work and kick the shit out of Geno Atkins in that Oklahoma drill. #BOOMERSOONER.
10:39 – What is Rey Maualuga doing….no seriously. Is he coming his hair like he’s in a Vidal Sasson commercial? Naw bruh. Nope. Newp…I did not see that.
10:41 – The chances of the golf ball hitting that man’s truck are about as good as the Bengals’ chances making it out of the first round of the playoffs this year.
10:42 – Taylor Mays just had a five minute conversation with himself about what kind of super power he’d like to have and questioned Wonder Woman’s super powers. I’d like party and pillage the night life in Cincy with this young man and his groupies.
10:45 – I get it. Andy Dalton wears a rubber ring while he’s at work so he doesn’t mess up his wedding ring. It’s important to let everyone know you’re married. I mean you don’t want any of the gay guys on the team or the secretaries to get the wrong idea.
10:51 – Damn, Larry Black. Those aren’t tears of pain, their tears of frustration, confusion and disbelief. Keep ya head up bro. Minor setback for a major comeback.